Dealing with Grief

As humans, we are designed for relationships. We are driven to connect with others, and these connections are the root for many joys and pleasures, but also give purpose to our lives. There is a cost, however, that is demanded for these benefits. That cost is grief.  At some point we will lose that relationship, either subjectively or in actuality, as through death.

Grief is a universal experience, not dependent on age, status, gender or intellect, and yet is so individualized that it makes preparing for it and experiencing it hard to generalize.  There are some issues that would behoove us to discuss in order to help others, or ourselves, when a loss occurs.

One of the essential needs someone has after the death of a loved one is the opportunity to tell the story of who that person was.  This may include the retelling of their death, or the circumstances of their illness, but it may also be memories from the past and accounts of them as a person.  The ironic thing is that usually after death, other people don’t want to bring the loss up, for fear of creating sadness or being awkward. Once someone said, “After my husband died, he was always on my mind, so the idea that by saying his name, or asking me a question about him would send me into a depressive tailspin is ridiculous!” In truth, those grieving crave the opportunity to talk about their loved one, and are just waiting for someone to bring it up.

 

This desire to keep the memory alive by retelling the story of their life does not go away in the weeks after the loss, if anything, it gets stronger.  The odd notion that a year after someone dies, life should be back to normal, just devoid of that person, is foolish. What better time to ask a friend to tell you some memories about the person who’s gone.

The other important concept in grief is that there are no stages to go through leading to acceptance.  There are common aspects of grief people may have depending on the circumstances of the death itself.  For instance, some may feel guilt. This may be guilt in the decisions made, or regrets just prior to the event, but can also be survivor’s guilt in ‘Why didn’t I go first?’ Others feel relief, which can seem abnormal, but usually, if there has been suffering involved its natural to have relief that the suffering is over.  Still others get angry, wanting to blame someone or something for the loss. Finally, some feel anxious or helpless, such as with the loss of parents or a spouse who’s provided much support. 

The key is that these emotions are normal, and it’s possible to feel many all at the same time.

While grief is an expected part of death, if it begins to affect your health, your job, or your relationships it may be time to seek help. 

There is a price for relationships, and at some point we all experience grief. By inviting others to tell their stories we can ensure that when our turn comes, someone will be around to listen to us. 

Benefits of Bereavement

Bereavement is an unusual word. It’s not thrown around in daily conversation as much as the words grief and mourn are. This has a lot to do with the meaning of the word, which refers to the loss or deprivation of something or someone, but especially the loss of someone by death.

Notice that the definition doesn't say much about emotion or feelings. To be bereaved is literally the fact that the loss occurred. The emotions associated with the loss are those more familiar words like grief, anguish, distress, etc.

Bereavement is unavoidable after a loved one dies, because it simply acknowledges the situation. That does not mean, however, that all bereavement looks alike. In fact I think no two bereavements are exactly the same.

When Mrs. S lost her husband in his 50’s, she had just sent her youngest daughter to college and was now utterly alone. At the suggestion of a bereavement specialist, instead of going inward, she began taking dance, art, and design classes to keep her mind busy. In her grief she found a new niche as an interior designer, helping other people with loss transform their homes and heal. 

Mr. C had been married 60 years when his spouse died. He didn’t have the energy for anything new. He lost weight and became withdrawn. It appeared on the outside that he was willing himself to follow his beloved wife. Bereavement counseling started and Mr. C was able to see through the fog of his enormous loss to the children and grandchildren that still wanted to enjoy him for his remaining years.

When we talk about hospice, one of the treasures people forget about is bereavement support. For at least a year and often longer, hospice provides a specialist in bereavement to help families cope with the loss. This means someone from the outside is able to notice subtle red flags of complicated grief and can help get things turned around.

Sometimes, as for Mr. W whose death was peaceful at the age of 83, bereavement support was needed for a grandson who required help processing his first experience with death. Mr. W’s grandson later admitted, without the support from hospice, he would have relapsed into a drug addiction that he’d recently quit.

While it is true that death in the hospital and death at home without hospice can be peaceful and symptom free, it is also true that without hospice, there is no chance for bereavement support or follow up. Of course, families and church communities are often pivotal in supporting each other in times of loss, but bereavement support from hospice is that extra net, making sure no one falls through the cracks. Best of all, like all other hospice services, it doesn’t cost anything. By simply being on hospice, the entire family is entitled to bereavement support.

For some, this is the only reason that they considered hospice. They didn’t need hospice for medications, or home visits, however they worried about their loved ones, and wanted assurance the family would be supported after their death.