The Greatest Gift? Granting Permission

Certain things are just universal.  All humans need nutrition. All humans need hydration. All humans need air. There really is no argument to these basic needs for existence. Once our physical needs are met, the priority becomes filling our emotional needs.  At the heart of our emotional needs is the desire to feel safe and secure.  As children, we are taught that a key way to feel safe and secure is through the approval of our parents, and as we age, we become conditioned to seek out approval of others as well.  

The degree of power to which we give others approval of us varies widely and is based on things such as personality, upbringing, and life experiences.  One thing there is no need to debate, approval of others feels good and is validating.

We know that approval is tied in to safety and security, so you can imagine during the end of life, if a person isn’t feeling safe and secure, they will seek out approval even more.   The ways someone seeks approval can be subtle or direct.  Some take medications they don’t want in an effort to get the approval of their doctor or family members.  Others get out of bed when they don’t feel like it, or eat a few bites of a meal despite having no appetite.  I see patients entertain guests when they’d rather be sleeping, still seeking the approval of others. 

Other times approval seeking comes with stories from the past as people use the narrative of their lives to gain validation.  Amazingly, some even prolong their dying as a means of gaining the approval of family members who don’t want them to die.

Since approval is a universal emotional need, a helpful thing family and friends can give at the end of life is the gift of approval.  The easiest way to think about how to give approval is to give permission.  Permission removes any guilt associated with seeking approval and fear of disappointing those we love.  Give someone the permission to be tired, to not eat, to be worried, to be angry, to refuse treatment, to feel sad, or ultimately to die.

It’s not just the patient that needs permission during end of life situations. Caregivers and family members need permission as well.  They too are seeking approval in an insecure and unsafe reality.  One of the greatest areas caregivers need permission is in letting go of the caregiving to step back into the role of spouse/child/friend.   It is impossible to provide both total physical care as well as emotional care towards the end of life. Society unfortunately gives approval to the more tangible physical care, despite the more important value that comes with emotional care that only family and loved ones can provide.  Often it takes a hospice team to grant that permission.

Just like with patients, we can be responsible for granting approval to caregivers and loved ones. By giving them permission to be where they are, whether angry, sad, worried, not wanting to say goodbye or hoping it was all over.

Permission is a simple way to give approval with untold benefits for those around us.

Optimism and Pessimism

As a parent, one of the incredible mysteries has been to watch each of my children come into this world with a predetermined personality.  Our parenting style seems to have little effect on these inborn traits.  We know that our ultimate personality is a grand mix of what we come into the world with, our genes, and the life experiences we have.   One such nuanced trait that is both nature and nurture based is the optimism/pessimism scale.

You can surely place yourself on this scale as you read this. Maybe you’ve been called an idealist, or negative or someone who always looks on the bright side. It’s important to realize that both optimism and pessimism have pluses and minuses, especially with end of life issues.

These traits in general are things that help us manage our expectations of the future.  An optimist will assume a positive result, while a pessimist expects the negative.  

The way we tint our vision of events, whether rose or blue tinted, is also a way to manage our emotions related to these events.  Optimism acts to buffer anxiety and can raise us up and out of a gloomy reality.  Pessimism also protects our emotions.  By expecting the worst, we insulate ourselves from disappointment and create a possibility for a pleasant surprise if things turn out better.

One way to consider the optimism/pessimism concept is to consider it as a fluid scale. We slide toward one side or the other depending on if we are thinking about work, relationships, world events, etc.  Alternatively, we may consider ourselves realists, always right in the middle, finding a good mix of hoping for the best, while still preparing for a worst-case scenario.

Knowing that these traits are inherently protective, it’s no surprise that with end of life issues I often encounter the extremes.  Moreover, what I notice is like most things in life, it’s at the far extremes that these traits move from being healthy to unhealthy. 

I’m all for thinking positive, but when Mrs. W was confronted with her new cancer diagnosis and refused to start treatment because it was “surely a mistake, I most definitely do not have cancer” her extreme optimism is now be labeled denial.  While denial will certainly protect ones emotional well-being, it does little to protect the physical reality of disease.

Mrs. W’s case is extreme, but there are more subtle ways that extreme optimism causes harm.  Unfortunately, it is quite common for people on hospice to put off important conversations, financial decisions, and delay dealing with things they should because their optimism clouds the reality of how serious their condition is or how much little time they have left.

On the other end is extreme pessimism.  Mr. H refused starting a therapy that would add both years and quality to his life because “What’s the point! Now that I have cancer, I’m done trying to live!”  We sometimes label extreme forms of pessimism as depression.  When someone is paralyzed with inaction because of their negative attitude, it may protect them from being disappointed but does nothing to improve reality.

It’s nearly impossible to move someone from the extremes at the end of life. Understanding that a lifetime of personality is at play may at least garnish some compassion.