When I was in college I had the opportunity to work with
Mother Teresa at the Home for the Dying and Destitute in Calcutta, India. The mission of the sisters was simple; love
the least of these. Specifically they
did this by bringing in the unwanted and abandoned at the end of life, and
giving them a bed, meals if they could eat, and a place to die in the company
of another.
The home was sparse by anyone’s account; an open room with a
slab concrete floor lined with mats placed on the concrete 3 feet apart. The medications available were even sparser,
the only real means of eliminating pain being the ability to hold someone’s
hand or give a novice massage. Despite the
paltry means of the place, the patients’ eyes shown with immense joy. I soon learned that the medicine we dispensed
that had this powerful effect was respect.
Respect is admiration earned by abilities, achievements, or
qualities. Interestingly, even with great achievements, etc. respect is not
guaranteed, but is completely in the hands of the beholder. The same is
inversely true; respect can be given to someone who does not deserve it.
This ability of an individual to grant or retract respect
makes it all the more powerful. In
Calcutta, the act of lifting someone literally from the gutter and bringing
them into a shelter with a bed and food was enough to communicate respect for
their person hood. How, though, do we do
that here? What tangible ways can we grant respect to someone at the end of
their life?
There are a plethora of ideas that come to mind; from simple
things like making eye contact and listening to being attentive to personal
care needs like bathing and shaving.
Really though, any action you may offer depends on the concept behind
respect. Respect first and foremost
understands a person’s needs and prioritizes those.
In fact, the actual effort to understand what that person
really needs or wants is in itself an act of respect. For example, for one patient the respectful
thing to do may be to sit for an hour and visit, reminiscing on times gone by.
For another, however, the respectful thing to do might be to leave, allowing
them time to rest.
Respect says “I care about you enough to understand what you
need and grant it, despite my own feelings.”
There is no time more difficult to show respect than over
actual end of life decisions. One of the
most profound ways to respect someone is by finding out how they want to die,
and honoring that. If someone voices the
desire to be done with medical interventions, even if those interventions can
prolong their life, the respectful thing to do is not to talk the person into
your views, but at that point to allow a natural death.
Respect then is many things; meeting physical needs, being
kind and caring, trying to understand where someone is coming from, and
ultimately honoring their decisions.
You’d be amazed to find that when we grant this gift, even to the
undeserving, it can be more powerful than medication.
